Dear Duet,

When I begin dating someone, I tend to ignore red flags and then of course the relationship ends up being fraught with turmoil. Why is it so hard for me to bow out early on? 

Colorblind

Dear Colorblind,

Attention is seductive isn’t it? And hormones are powerful drugs. Face it, you are not in your right mind when you start a new relationship. It’s easy to ignore red flags when you are under the influence of NRE (New Relationship Energy)—most of us do.

I am wondering if you see the red flags and ignore them or if, Colorblind, you don’t even see them at all.

I think everything that you essentially need to know about a person is there from the beginning. That’s not to say that people don’t change and grow but that people are essentially who they are and they can’t really hide themselves from you if you are paying attention.

One way to be able to gracefully bow out of the beginning of a relationship with someone is to take things slowly. It’s easy to be charmed by a new person when you first meet. Get to know the person under various circumstances. Notice how they treat other people; notice how they are when they are under stress; notice if they can think about something or someone other than themselves. Most importantly notice how you feel when you are with them. Can you be yourself? Is there room for your thoughts, feelings, druthers? Are you self-conscious, stressed out or scared?

If you go slowly you will have a better chance of seeing red flags, or even orange ones and you can check out what they mean before you’ve started making the seating chart for your wedding reception.

Dear Duet,

I really want to be in a long-term, stable and loving relationship, so why am I attracted to unavailable people and why do very available people tend to be less than intriguing to me?  

Lover of a challenge

Dear Challenged

Never underestimate the power of ambivalence. You say you want to be in a stable loving relationship but you tend to gravitate toward people who are not available for that type of connection.

There’s a pretty good chance that you think you want a stable loving relationship but it in reality it scares the *#%^ out of you. So if you keep picking unavailable people you don’t have to be vulnerable and face how scary that feels.  This makes so much sense. We tend to invite into our life only what we can handle emotionally. So first have compassion for yourself and know that there has been a deeper wisdom underlying your past choices.

But maybe you are writing to me because you sense you are available for something different now.

I am glad you like a challenge, because my advice would be to get into a relationship with a different type of person than you usually pick. You have to like them and be at least a little attracted to them. This relationship will feel unfamiliar and maybe a little uncomfortable at first. That’s because you are stepping out of the old pattern.  You might miss the drama but may find there is more connection, more real intimacy possible. Then slowly, very slowly, begin to build intimacy with this more available person. Along the way you will feel really scared. That’s ok. Feel your feelings and stay put. Don’t run away. Over time you will begin to feel what it’s like to be in a stable loving relationship.

If for one reason or another, it doesn’t work out, you will have had great practice exploring intimacy. Love is never wasted.