Dear Duet,
I really want to be in a long-term, stable and loving relationship, so why am I attracted to unavailable people and why do very available people tend to be less than intriguing to me?
Lover of a challenge
Dear Challenged
Never underestimate the power of ambivalence. You say you want to be in a stable loving relationship but you tend to gravitate toward people who are not available for that type of connection.
There’s a pretty good chance that you think you want a stable loving relationship but it in reality it scares the *#%^ out of you. So if you keep picking unavailable people you don’t have to be vulnerable and face how scary that feels. This makes so much sense. We tend to invite into our life only what we can handle emotionally. So first have compassion for yourself and know that there has been a deeper wisdom underlying your past choices.
But maybe you are writing to me because you sense you are available for something different now.
I am glad you like a challenge, because my advice would be to get into a relationship with a different type of person than you usually pick. You have to like them and be at least a little attracted to them. This relationship will feel unfamiliar and maybe a little uncomfortable at first. That’s because you are stepping out of the old pattern. You might miss the drama but may find there is more connection, more real intimacy possible. Then slowly, very slowly, begin to build intimacy with this more available person. Along the way you will feel really scared. That’s ok. Feel your feelings and stay put. Don’t run away. Over time you will begin to feel what it’s like to be in a stable loving relationship.
If for one reason or another, it doesn’t work out, you will have had great practice exploring intimacy. Love is never wasted.
I really want to be in a long-term, stable and loving relationship, so why am I attracted to unavailable people and why do very available people tend to be less than intriguing to me?
Lover of a challenge
Dear Challenged
Never underestimate the power of ambivalence. You say you want to be in a stable loving relationship but you tend to gravitate toward people who are not available for that type of connection.
There’s a pretty good chance that you think you want a stable loving relationship but it in reality it scares the *#%^ out of you. So if you keep picking unavailable people you don’t have to be vulnerable and face how scary that feels. This makes so much sense. We tend to invite into our life only what we can handle emotionally. So first have compassion for yourself and know that there has been a deeper wisdom underlying your past choices.
But maybe you are writing to me because you sense you are available for something different now.
I am glad you like a challenge, because my advice would be to get into a relationship with a different type of person than you usually pick. You have to like them and be at least a little attracted to them. This relationship will feel unfamiliar and maybe a little uncomfortable at first. That’s because you are stepping out of the old pattern. You might miss the drama but may find there is more connection, more real intimacy possible. Then slowly, very slowly, begin to build intimacy with this more available person. Along the way you will feel really scared. That’s ok. Feel your feelings and stay put. Don’t run away. Over time you will begin to feel what it’s like to be in a stable loving relationship.
If for one reason or another, it doesn’t work out, you will have had great practice exploring intimacy. Love is never wasted.
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