Habit #5: Fight fair and kind
Conflict is inevitable and often healthy in relationships. It’s how we resolve conflict and disagreements that make a big difference to the quality of a relationship. How do you approach your partner when you are unhappy about something or you need to bring up a difficult topic? Gottman talks about the “soft start-up” and points out that most arguments end the way they start. If you approach your partner gently, without attack or criticism, chances are you will have a more positive outcome.
Also consider what you are fighting for. Do you just want to be “right” or “win”? Or, do you feel strongly about something that really impacts you? How can you communicate your need in a way that your partner can hear? I can guarantee that shouting at them doesn’t help them hear your point.
If you feel so frustrated that you want to yell, take a break. Walk around the block (tell your partner that is what you are doing—don’t just walk out), drink a glass of water, put on some music that relaxes you. Do something that will ground you and deescalate the conflict.
Mean fighting creates scar tissue and everybody loses. Remember too, that if you have children they are learning from you about how to resolve their own conflicts. They will most likely do what you do, so stay conscious about what you are teaching your kids about how to resolve disagreements.
Also consider what you are fighting for. Do you just want to be “right” or “win”? Or, do you feel strongly about something that really impacts you? How can you communicate your need in a way that your partner can hear? I can guarantee that shouting at them doesn’t help them hear your point.
If you feel so frustrated that you want to yell, take a break. Walk around the block (tell your partner that is what you are doing—don’t just walk out), drink a glass of water, put on some music that relaxes you. Do something that will ground you and deescalate the conflict.
Mean fighting creates scar tissue and everybody loses. Remember too, that if you have children they are learning from you about how to resolve their own conflicts. They will most likely do what you do, so stay conscious about what you are teaching your kids about how to resolve disagreements.
Habit # 6 Appreciate your partner more than you criticize
Lately I have been hearing a lot about the concept of a “feedback sandwich”. You start with the positive, talk about the behavior that you hope to change and then end with a final, positive, encouraging word. People tend to respond better when they don’t just hear criticism. Gottman says that in successful relationships the ratio is about 5:1. For every negative word or criticism you say to your partner you should say five positive things.
If this is difficult for you to do, start slowly. Appreciate one thing about your partner every day for a week. Then notice two things every day that you appreciate. Keep doing this until you can think of five things that you appreciate. It’s like a muscle. As you practice appreciating your partner it will become easier to notice and to say your appreciations out loud.
While you’re at it, you might want to appreciate yourself too. Sometimes we have a hard time giving to others what we can’t give to ourselves.
If this is difficult for you to do, start slowly. Appreciate one thing about your partner every day for a week. Then notice two things every day that you appreciate. Keep doing this until you can think of five things that you appreciate. It’s like a muscle. As you practice appreciating your partner it will become easier to notice and to say your appreciations out loud.
While you’re at it, you might want to appreciate yourself too. Sometimes we have a hard time giving to others what we can’t give to ourselves.
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